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Murphys' Military Laws

1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
3. Friendly fire ain't.
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
17. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
18. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets (...uphill, ...and in the rain).
19. Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare. Heinz Guderian
20. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
21. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
22. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. George Patton
23. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.

Murphys' Laws On Sex

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you are going to get nor how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree, but the pair on the ground, that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29. Love is a hole in the heart.
30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32. Do it only with the best.
33. Sex is a three letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38. Thou shalt not commit adultery..... unless in the mood.
39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40. Abstain from wine, woman, and song; mostly song.
41. Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
42. A Woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45. Never say no.
46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51. Love comes in spurts.
52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59. This won't hurt, I promise.
These were MURPHYS' LAWS ON SEX, hope you enjoyed them.

Horwood's Laws

1. Good data is the data you already have.
   
2. Bad data drives out good.
   
3. The data you have for the present crisis was collected to relate to the previous one.
   
4. The respectability of existing data grows with elapsed time and distance from the data source to the investigator.
   
5. Data can be moved from one office to another but it cannot be created or destroyed.
   
6. If you have the right data you have the wrong problem; and vice versa.
   
7. The important thing is not what you do, but how you measure it.
   
8. In complex systems, there is no relationship between information gathered and decisions made.
   
9. Acquisition of knowledge from experience is an exception.
   
10. Knowledge grows at half the rate at which academic courses proliferate.

Dilberts' Laws Of Work

Dilbert is a syndicated cartoon by Scott Adams. In light of our new Association with Amazon Books, I hope you enjoy some examples of his work.

Dilbert says ...


If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves..
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

18 Unnatural Laws

1. O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
2. Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
3. Denniston's Law: Virtue is its own punishment.
4. Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
5. Handy Guide to Modern Science: If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
6. Conway's Law: In any organisation there will always be one person who knows what's going on. This person must be fired.
7. Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
8. Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
10. Finstep's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
11. Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
12. Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
13. Glyne's Formula for Success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
14. Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
15. The sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
16. Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
17. Hallon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
18. Mair's Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.