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• Yogi Berra Quotes
  Yogi Berra's second claim to fame is for being one of the most quoted figures in the sports world. He is credited with coining the deceptively simplistic observation, "It ain't over till it's over." But he's also known for his flubs. Here is a collection of the most notorious of these.
  
  Yogi Berra Quotes
  

  • "This is like deja vu all over again."
  • "You can observe a lot just by watching."
  • "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
  • "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
  • "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
  • "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
  • "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
  • "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
  • "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
  • "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
  • "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
  • "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
  • "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
  • "Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
  • "A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
  • "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
  • "It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
  • "Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
  • Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
  • "Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.
  • "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
  • "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
  • "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
  • "90% of the putts that are short don't go in."
  • "I made a wrong mistake."
  • "Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.
  • "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
  • "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
  • "Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
  • "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."
  • "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
  • "It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."
  • "How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
  • "I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
  • "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
  • "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
  • "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
  • "It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
  • "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
  • "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
  • "I didn't really say everything I said."
  • "This is like deja vu all over again."
  • "You can observe a lot just by watching."
  • "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
  • "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
  • "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
  • "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
  • "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
  • "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
  • "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
  • "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
  • "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
  • "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
  • "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
  • "Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
  • "A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
  • "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
  • "It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
  • "Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
  • Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
  • "Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.
  • "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
  • "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
  • "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
  • "90% of the putts that are short don't go in."
  • "I made a wrong mistake."
  • "Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.
  • "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
  • "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
  • "Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
  • "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."
  • "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
  • "It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."
  • "How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
  • "I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
  • "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
  • "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
  • "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
  • "It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
  • "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
  • "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
  • "I didn't really say everything I said."
• Steve Wrights sayings
  Here are a few more of Steve Wrights funny sayings:
  
  

  • You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
  • I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
  • Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So. What did you think?”
  • In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, “Cut it out.”
  • It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
  • I wrote a few children’s books…not on purpose.
  • “So, do you live around here often?”
  • I got up one morning, couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were!
  • When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child….eventually.
  • I mixed this glass of water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!
  • I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…
  • I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.
  • I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
  • I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”
  • I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”
  • I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
  • I invented the cordless extension cord.
  • For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
  • There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
  • Today I dialled a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said,”Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”
  • I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious!
  • My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
  • For a while I didn’t have a car…I had a helicopter…no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.
  • I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
  • I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
  • I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
  • A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”
  • I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”
  • I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
  • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
  • One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.
  • One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
  • I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
    I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
  • I was born by Caesarian section…but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
  • When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
  • I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.

  
  
  Page Topic: Sayings by Comedian Steven Wright