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Why Being A public Servant Is Not boring

Being a public servant is not boring because there are always plenty of interesting things to do like filling out forms and putting incoming mail in the IN box, and putting outgoing mail in the OUT box, and filling out more forms, and answering telephones with the standard,"I'm sorry, I don't know, I'm only the cleaner here," reply and collecting your money on payday which is the best day of the week, and filling out more forms, and engaging in interesting conversations with fellow workers about the footy and the cricket and the next payrise which is overdue, and filling out more forms, and writing out receipts and getting carbon all over your hands and down the front of your shirt, and sucking biros until the ends leak and the ink gets all on your tongue and in your mouth, and filling out more forms, and filing away files where nobody will ever see them again,and browsing through the Government Gazette to see who the latest crawlers are, and filling out more forms, and going to the pub at lunch time for a counter lunch and a few quick ones, and staggering back to the office feeling really bonza, and filling out more forms, and bending paper clips into weird artistic shapes, and sticking rubbers full of pins until they look like little porcupines, and filling out more forms, and answering customers' enquiries at the information counter with the standard,"I'm sorry, our office is being redecorated and all our files are in a mess so could you please come back next week" reply, and filling out more forms, and giving money for the collection for the going away party of the latest typist who's leaving and whom you've never seen anyway, and putting for office raffles, sweeps and lotteries that you never find the results of, and filling out more forms, and having ten minute morning and afternoon tea breaks that last for twenty minutes or more, and making free STD calls to your friends in other parts of Australia, and sending personal letters through the official mail, and filling out more forms, and shuffling around in your chair, and watching the clock, and wondering why it moves so slow, and wanting it to move faster, and filling out more forms, and opening and closing drawers, and thumping down DO NOT DESTROY rubber stamps so hard that they tear through the paper and slop ink everywhere, and filling out more forms, and catching to work a crowded train full of faces you've seen every morning for what seems like the past twenty years, and catching an almost identical train home in the afternoon, and filling out more forms, and hanging up scungy Christmas decorations that the boss has so graciously allowed you to have, and pulling them down about six months later, and doodling endlessly on Official Government Printing Office paper, and filling out more forms, and putting phony signatures on letters so that if anything does go wrong they can't be traced back to you and sharpening pencils in the electric pencil sharpener until there's only a quarter inch of them left, and filling out more forms, and crumpling up memos and letters and seeing how close you can throw them to the bin on the other side of the room, and going to the toilet to see if there's anything new on the walls, and filling out more forms, and working flat out on Friday to fill up on your end of weeks quota which is four days behind, and opening up letters with a really neat letter opener that rips the cheque inside in half, and filling out more forms, and phoning the guy across the other side of the room because you're too lazy to walk all the way over there to ask him a question, and biting your fingernails, and resting your elbow on the desk and propping up your head with your hand to stop it from falling down when you fall asleep, and filling out more forms, and I just realized I hate those forms more than anything in the whole bloody world, and they're foul and rotten and rancid and they really stink and they make me sick and they make me want to vomit and I'd like to rip and scrunch and tear them up into hundreds and hundreds and thousands and millions and millions of tiny pieces and then I'd like to get them and shove them down that stupid pig headed fat idiot boss of mine's throat until he choked and fell to the floor clutching his guts and screaming for mercy and then I'd laugh and laugh and laugh and I'd pull out the machine gun that I keep hidden in my desk for just such an emergency and I'd blast everything full of holes, especially the forms, and then I'd run amuck in the office with all its' stupid files and desks and cabinets and computers and telephones, but mostly the forms, and then I'd pour petrol over everything, especially the forms, and I'd set if alight and I'd laugh myself silly while the whole office burnt to the ground while everyone waited for the fire brigade to arrive to rescue the boss who was still trapped inside trying to save all those silly precious files and forms ...............and that's why being a public servant is not boring.

The Law As It Should Be

One evening after attending the movies two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a rather well dressed attractive young lady walking ahead of them. one of them turned to the other and said, I'd give $40 to spend the night with that woman." To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark and turning around, said, "I'll take you up on that."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend goodnight, the man accompanied her to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following the man presented her with $20 as he was leaving. She demanded the rest of the money and stated "If you don't give me the other $20 I'll sue you for it." He laughed saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds."

A few days later he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of his case. The lawyer said "I don't think she can get judgement against you on such grounds but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

They went to court and after the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:- "Your honor, my client, this young lady here is the owner of a piece of shrubbery, which she agreed to let to the defendant for a specified time for the sum of $40. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but on evacuating the premises he paid only $20, one half of the amount agreed upon. The amount was not excessive since it was restricted property and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure the payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defence, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it. "Your Honor," he said, "My client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property , that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected his own pump, all labour being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the property. We therefore ask that judgement be not granted."

The young lady's lawyer came back with this:- "Your Honor, my client agrees that he did find a well on her property and that did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had he not known the well existed he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the property, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupance, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask that judgement be granted."

...............she got it.

Monday Morning Office Humor
From PharmaGossip:
Top Ten auto “Out of Office” replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctor’s having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 18/10/07. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged GBP5.99 for the first 10 words and GBP1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
7. Thank you for your message which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lisa’ instead of ‘Les’.
This entry was posted on October 8, 2007 at 9:43 am and is filed under HR, human resources with tags joke. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

US Standard Railroad Gauge
or
How MilSpecs Live Forever

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why is that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English ex patriots.

Why did the English build 'em like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools as they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

OK! Why did the wagons use that wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of breaking their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made by or for Imperial Rome they
were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing (ruts again).'

Thus we have the answer to the original question.''

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 ft 8 1/2 in derives from the original military specification (MilSpec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. MisSpecs (and bureaucracies) live forever!
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.